Biarki here, your current Vice-President Communications. As we don’t have a news letter this semester (due to the lack of a Chief Newsletter Editor) but we still enjoy writing these bios for each other. These bios a semi-factual and some creative liberates may have been taken.
So without further ado,
VP Comms, Stream A
Nathan Lawko (President)
You’re walking in the woods.
There’s no one around,
And your phone is dead.
Out of the corner of your eye you spot him,
He’s following you
About 30 feet back.
He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint.
He’s gaining on you.
You’re looking for your car,
But you’re all turned around.
He’s almost upon you now
And you can see there’s blood on his face!
My god, there’s blood everywhere!
Running for your life
(From Nathan Lawko.)
He’s brandishing a knife.
(It’s Nathan Lawko.)
Lurking in the shadows
Hollywood superstar Nathan Lawko.
Living in the woods,
Killing for sport,
Eating all the bodies
Actual, cannibal Nathan Lawko.
Now it’s dark and you seem to have lost him,
But you’re hopelessly lost yourself.
Stranded with a murderer,
You creep silently through the underbrush.
A-ha! In the distance,
A small cottage with a light on.
You move stealthily toward it,
But your leg! Ah! It’s caught in a bear trap!
Gnawing off your leg,
Limping toward the cottage,
Now you’re on the doorstep,
Sitting inside, Nathan Lawko.
Sharpening an axe,
But he doesn’t hear you enter,
You’re sneaking up behind him.
Strangling superstar Nathan Lawko.
Fighting for your life with Nathan Lawko,
Wrestling a knife from Nathan Lawko,
Stab it in his kidney.
Safe at last from Nathan Lawko.
You limp into the dark woods,
Blood oozing from your stump leg.
But you have won.
You have beaten Nathan Lawko
Wait! He isn’t dead! Lawko Surprise!
There’s a gun to your head, and death in his eyes.
But you can do Jiu Jitsu
Body Slam superstar Nathan Lawko
Legendary fight with Nathan Lawko
Normal Tuesday night for Nathan Lawko
You try to swing an axe at Nathan Lawko
But blood is draining fast from your stump leg
He’s dodging every swipe, he parries to the left
You counter to the right, you catch him in the neck
You’re chopping off his head now
You have just decapitated Nathan Lawko
His head topples to the floor, expressionless
You fall to your knees and catch your breath
You’re finally safe from Nathan Lawko
Isaac Mand (Vice-President Academic)
Born at the bottom of the Pacific, Isaac spent his early years as a larva searching for a solid place to hold onto. Eventually, he found a nice rock on the sea floor and had time to grow and plan for his future. The other polyps told fantastic tales of the sea jellies they hoped to become. However, Isaac found these fantasies of the jelly fish lifestyle boring. “How can it be all my siblings want to do is drift?” he asked himself. Isaac decided he wanted to make a difference in the world. Once he was old enough to detach from his rock, instead of following the other jellies the easy way with the currents, Isaac forced his way in the opposite direction. The sea was rough, and the currents pushed Isaac, daring him to abandon his quest. “I won’t give up!” Isaac shouted at the waves, “No matter how I struggle, I won’t leave the path I’ve chosen!” Suddenly, Isaac was thrown out of the water and onto the sand of some mysterious shore. “I made it!” he exclaimed. Thinking of his journey so far, Isaac decided it had been a little too difficult. Up the hill, Isaac saw a university. “I know, I’ll enroll in that school and become an engineer. That sounds much easier.”
TaeHun Kang (Vice-President External)
TaeHun Kang wants to live in a world where shoe laces are used as nail files and shampoo as erasers.
As a professional parkour-er, he is the only Canadian to be honored by the renowned APPA (American Professional Parkour Association).
When not seen around the town, he can also be found at the local YMCA playing a spirited game of unicycle hockey.
His latest book – Renting Movies: A Life That Once Was – hits the shelves on February 30th. Whenever that may be…
Wilson Nguyen (Vice-President Finance)
Wilson Nguyen, birth name Wilsonious Nguyenton (not to be confused with famous actor Will Smith), was born in 1992 in a small town probably somewhere where grain is the main export. In his early life, Nguyen found great pleasure in spectating others play Beyblades and Yugioh cards from a distance as he didn’t enjoy much social interaction. Many thought Nguyen was “odd” or “creepy” by exuding such behaviour, but little did they know that this is what would fuel Nguyen to be the sensation he is today. In the StarCraft community, some say that he is “amazingly average” and others have even stated that “they would play with him if no one else is online”. Despite his impact in the community of roughly 6-8 other people who have seen him play, Nguyen knew that he would never be the player he wanted to be if he continued to have 268 ping from his small town somewhere where grain is the main export; he needed to move somewhere else and fast. He trained for many years to be a long-distance runner as he had decided he needed to make the over 6,000km journey to Victoria (by foot for some reason) where he would have marginally better ping.
Wilson Nguyen is now 26 and has given up on his dream to be the self-proclaimed “Starcraft-Best-Player69420” and has settled to be the personal accountant for the ESS. In his free time, he competes in many long-distance events – succeeding in many. In an interview of February 2017 Nguyen stated that “… running gives me a feeling of completion. A sort of high that Starcraft never could. The same can be said for when I’m signing cheques. I’m glad I made the transition to VP Finance of the ESS [breaks down crying]”.
Megan Chisling (Vice-President Student Life)
The beginning of Megan’s journey was pretty irrelevant. She married a half naked cowboy, that no one liked, until he threw a pot of boiling gold on her brothers head After her husband died, she thought it best to act rationally. She lit herself, an old lady, and three dusty eggs on fire. To everyone’s surprise, she managed to survive, and hatch three baby dragons. From then on, with the help of her dragons, she decided to continue to set people on fire, including the leaders of the half naked cowboys. Today, Megan has moved the fire to the west, where creepy ice zombies live. Her new dream is to take back the metal chair from the blonde woman that blew up half the cast. Tune in sometime in 2019 to find out how many people Megan lights on fire next.
Biarki Weeks (Vice-President Communications)
The Story of Biarki Weeks
Biarkis Week was a humble onion farmer in Germany when one day the king of Germany came by. He said to Bairki.
“Say the alphabet… Backwards.” Biairki’s mother screamed.
“No! He is only a boy!” But Biark just smiled like he was in an anime, and began. “Z.” he said, staring the king down smugly. All onlookers gasped, and continued to exclaim and yelp and holler like a pack of baboons as he knocked out the rest of the letters. He only made it to G but by that time the king was already so impressed that he said:
“Ok Biiarki… You get to discover relativity”
“Grelatibity?” said Barki, “But all I know is onions!”
The king replied, “Where you’re going… we won’t need onions.”
Liam Downey (Director of Event)
The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.
Alex Sheppard (Director of Services)
Alex Sheppard was born in 1997 in a gym when a barbell weight fell and collided with the bench press creating an explosion that brought this muscular man into the world. Without biological parents, Alex was raised by the gym itself living off nothing but protein shakes, chicken, and rice. This absolute unit decided one day that the only muscle not quite strong enough was his brain and so he enrolled in the engineering program at UVIC (specializing in civil engineering). He now continues to work out his brain and all his other muscles on a regular basis with the help of his infamous and ever expanding friend group.
Damon Pederson (Director of Services)
Damon Pederson is the ESS’s Director of Services. He has many hobbies but spends most of his free time perfecting his homemade borscht recipe, enjoying the melodic twang of country music and sketching up whimsical cartoons for the slushee machine flavor labels.
Although at he seems like a mostly normal engineering student; he wasn’t always like this. Damon grew up in an isolated hut in the Himalayas where he sometimes wouldn’t have contact with other humans for years at a time. How he ended up there or why he ended up in Victoria, no one knows, that’s an origin story for another day. But because of his years of isolation when he first came to Victoria he found it difficult to connect to his fellow peers due to his verbal shortcomings, having only been able to express himself in grunts and rather startling facial expressions and hand gestures. Damon to this day finds its difficult to communicate with other humans however through time and dedication, has adapted and able to communicate with his peers effectively through the language of memes.
Jivtesh Garcha (Director of Corporate Relations)
Tick, tock. As the clock hits twenty past two, he steps into his lecture, neither a second late nor early. Like clockwork, his polished dress shoes cross the confines of the lecture room after exactly 50 minutes, regardless of the professors who ramble on past their allocated periods.
Most engineering students pile on endless commitments, with claims that they could cut the endless hours spent on Netflix to make things work. But of course, that is nothing but a wild fantasy for everyone but Jivtesh. The pace of the work he completes surprises students with a feeling akin to learning the price of textbooks at the UVic bookstore.
Victoria Wheatley (Director of Corporate Relations)
Victoria Wheatley originally hails from the coast of California where she lived peacefully among the sea-life. She was born to a noble family with strong political ties to the Poseidon lineage and was set to inherent a comfortable fortune of undersea land. Though she was from the upper class, her childhood was humble and she lived and played with the other mermaid children no matter their status. Things were good, until a rival family sabotaged her families vast kelp and clam fields. While this was should have been a small roadblock, rebuilding became almost impossible as time continued.
The ocean became more acidic and was warming every year, making undersea farming almost impossible on her families land. Victoria knew she had to do something drastic, for her family and her people. She visited a local mechanic and worked with him to create a solution. They invented robotic legs so that she may walk on land to research further into the field of mechanical engineering. The climate of the Juan de Fuca straight provided a comfortable home while she wasn’t studying which, incidentally, introduced her to the close by learning institution known as “UVic”. Her end goal is to mass produce the robotic legs and find techniques for surviving longer periods on dry land so that one day her people may leave the toxic waters and claim new territory from the scourge that is humanity. In the mean time, she is practicing her skills of corporate relations at the ESS and searching for investors of robotic leg technology.
Helen Spry (Director of Information Technology)
The Helen is drowsy,
The wings are furled;
Her ear is heavy,
She broods on the world.
“Who’ll tell me my secret,
The ages have kept?–
I awaited the seer,
While they slumbered and slept;–
“The fate of the man-child;
The meaning of man;
Known fruit of the unknown;
Out of sleeping a waking,
Out of waking a sleep;
Life death overtaking;
Deep underneath deep?”
Savannah Gillette (Director of Sport)
Savannah Gillette was born on her farm amongst her brothers, 3 pigs, and her sisters, 2 cows. She grew up wrestling them in great attempts to becomes an animal wrangler. When she realized that she would love to have this career, this would not bring her any money, and so she turned to Civil Engineering…which would still leave her with little money and leave her with a horrible career. She thanks her parents for always letting her pursue her dreams-texting boys and talking very loudly in class. She wears glasses because she thinks she looks smarter in them, but it does not do her any justice. She comes from Calgary, so she is happy to have moved out of a dump and into the beautiful city of Victoria. She likes to let everyone know about her interests: real gold body jewelry and partying. Her role in the Engineering Students’ Society is director of sports, which does not really count for anything.
Alexandra Boucher-Carter (Secretary)
As a pursuing biomedical engineering student, Alexandra Boucher, is destined to dance her way with flying grades! On the side she loves to ballet and do gymnastics! With the insight of creativity, flexibility and commitment in these hobbies, biomedical engineering is right up her alley! We feel that Alexandra will do an awesome job as a secretary in keeping everyone in the ESS as well as the engineering students of UVIC on the same page! You can only ask how one can pull this off, well let us tell you, Alexandra does magic and It’s all in the coffee and slushies located at the Engineering Student Society office. She drinks coffee like a grade mark being curved up into an “A”, exponential! For slushies, it’s smooth as plugging in your phone to charge so she can send our weekly meetings on the ESS’s page (Keep posted on her awesome note taking and clarity). Along with balancing her life with the ESS, School and Hobbies, she is one of the few people we know that can pull this off while doing an amazing job in each category, Go Alexandra!!